now macey still asks me to go down wif her. on the way down she walks with others and at the canteen table shes closer to sihui etc. ok. im being over sensitive. i guess im the kinda of possesive friend. its time to let go dearie. i feel jas is like superficial friendship. on fri she saw kevyna and like literally bounded to her. im being over sensitive once again. can just copy and paste the above here. its time to let go dearie. i feel im weighing myself down too much. i just broke on friday. 1. my own stresses 2. jingwei 3. mum. and just now i just asked wanxiu to let it out to me. and i asked myself: what am i doing? its time to let go dearie.

you know my motto is 'never break. you can go home and sleep and cry all you want.' everytime i wanna cry i will grit my teeth until my jaw hurts, tears threatening to fall. at night they dont come out anymore.

on fri when i visited my mum i was like walk to her bed, tears fall once again. i broke. i wanted to cry at night but there wasn't time. i can't get to sleep once after 12 unless im very very tired. and yest i went to bed at 11.45. 15 mins cant cry lah. i know my reasoning is weird but thats my reasoning. i cry for myself i dont cry for others. dont yyou think im selfish? is that how you spell it? i havent used that word for very long so not sure how to spell.

its raining damn heavily now. lightning + thunder. dangerous to use comps n tels. i dont care. let me be electrocuted and die. dying. what is it like to die? no one lives to tell the experience. aint that an ironic sentence? this weather very nice to sleep. blogging is more fun. im gonna work myself out. i havent done my homework or praced organ. tmr wake up, read newpaper+breakfast, set washing machine, lunch, homework, prac organ on piano, prac organ on organ, dinner, organ lesson, visit mum, come home, set washing machine, sleep. shld i watch tv? i just want to work and work and work and numb myself. i guess im gonna die of fatigue. speak of living to 100.